Voluntary time off

What does this mean to me? Well, for starters, it means weekdays that I typically spend working that I have elected to spend making no money at all, not counting days spent going out of town because others want me in another state. This week, however, it includes time that I have elected to spend working on some film student's short instead of earning income.

Now personally, I would rather take "voluntary time off" to relax and reward myself for all the hard work I do, spend the day working on furthering my career or cleaning my apartment. Alas, it is not to be. I had plotted out a concept of taking off one day a month designated as a "career day". Unfortunately, as soon as I implemented this, I got a summons for jury duty. Lame. Then I booked the student film (less lame), so it looks like "me" time during the hours of 8:30 and 5:30 Monday-Friday is not to be. For now at least.

But I musn't think of it that way! I chose to take these days off. I chose this over that. I can't bemoan the fact that I'm not making money because it was my decision.

Next week on jury duty, however, is a whole different story.

Begin the bemoan.

Everything's coming up Dana!

So I was kind of scared about today. Not only did I have a dentist appointment scheduled (haven't in about 4 years) to squeak in over my lunch hour, I also have a musical audition this afternoon (which I haven't done in about 3 years).

Now, I'm not one of those people who gets scared of the dentist's pointy implements and propensity to poke me in the gums with them. No no no. I'm scared of dentists the same way I'm scared of mechanics. I don't want them to find something "dire" that I can't afford to fix. Something they'll charge me out the wazoo for. Something that doesn't really need to be done, but they say it does. Especially since this was the first time I've had a dentist who wasn't the father of one of my friends.

This said, it went great. I mean, the x-ray tech's personality left a bit to be desired but the dentist himself and the hygenist were super sweet. And I had no cavities and they didn't pressure me to set another appointment right away. All in all, it was a totally pleasant trip to the dentist.

This seems to be par for the course for the last few days. Things just seem to be going my way. I got cast in a short film, I got my tax return back in time to sign up for the UCB class I wanted to take, I set up a couple of auditions, figured out a program that was giving me crap, have been cooking well, am going to karaoke tonight, rollerskating on Saturday, a few things up in the air and I might get a bike this weekend.

In the immortal words of Mr. Robert Quinn, "Hell yeah!"

*15 minutes later*

Would you believe that someone just handed me the most delicious peanut butter cookie I've ever had along with a bag of baked goods for my department FOR FREE??

I don't what's gotten into the universe today, but I like it.

Gotta quit while I'm ahead... and by "ahead" I mean "alive".

I feel like my job is giving me indigestion, acid reflux and raising my heart rate in an unhealthy way. Not like, through exercise, but through the fact that when the phone starts ringing like it does, I start to feel anxious. Sometimes I get twinges of pain in my chest (like now). Sometimes it gives me that knots-in-my-stomach feeling. Sometimes I feel like I can't draw a full breath and I just feel deflated.

Now considering that I answer phones for a living, that's fucking pathetic.
I need out.

And I'm looking.

*Addendum: half an hour later*

Can I just state for the record that no matter how bad the universe craps on me, I'm not giving in and giving up on what I want. So the prospect of getting a weekend run for J&G in Palm Springs has flaked out. Oh well! So we won't be doing anything with DK for a while. I can wait! So I got called up for jury duty at the beginning of the month. Annoying, but not terminal. So I can't file my taxes until I find a form that I'm not sure I have. Whoopee! So the callback I went on got me oh-so-close, but they "made other choices". Add that one to the list! I've got things on the horizon, I just don't fucking know what they are yet! I'm running low on money and I'm sure will be lower still at some point in the near future, but it's not going to kill me. I'm not broke, I'm not going broke. I'll be fine. I might be bored and frustrated and financially strapped, but I'll be fine I tell you! They don't want me? I don't want them! Clearly it's not in the cards. But something, something has to be.

Right?

Really? REALLY??

*sigh*

I know the subject of my frustration with my office's blocking of webistes that I want to access, mainly MySpace, has come up before. I've learned to accept that. I'm coping.

Now they got a new firewall system. And this one also blocks Craigslist, which I have been using as of late to troll for jobs.

DOUCHEBAGS!

It's not like I'm slacking on my job. I just don't have much of a job to do to begin with. I answer phones, sort the occasional fax and stuff mail. I have a lot of downtime.

This place sucks.
At least I can still get here.
For now.

I am a Power Ranger! (What?)

I don't know. Ignore that.

What I'm trying to say is that I've been on Power mode lately. As in "I've got shit going on so get the fuck out of my way 'cause I'll knock you over with my Power" mode. Or something. Look at that, I can't even be confident in my confidence.

NO! I've been on a big kick to get my shit together, not be afraid of failure, put together a reel, go on as many auditions as I can worm my way into, meet people who can help me, not get comfortable in the life I'm in as it is not the life I ultimately want and... you know... stuff.

I keep getting ideas. Ideas of things I want to do, want to try, want to stop. I want to get a bike. I want to get outside more. I want to see more of the pretty parts of California and not just the San Fernando Valley. I want to try making bagels. I want to learn to cook tofu properly. I want to become an good cook, not just a pretty good cook. I want to be able to properly execute complex dishes without them coming out tasting fine but looking like crap. I want to eat and live healthier. I want to be able to keep plants alive, more than 1 at a time. I want to hang up my star lanterns on my porch. I want to make my apartment nice looking in a way that indicates that the person who lives in the place has their shit together. I want to get a new couch. I want to get a new job. I want to be able to go through a work day without a phone ringing 200 times in my ear.

Altight. Enough of that. I'm gonna go figure out how to make one of these things happen.