To the "question" people:

I know the world is a big, strange, wonderful place. I know that there are so many things to know and learn about. I know that we can only grow and expand our minds by seeking knowledge from unexpected places.

This said, I am not that place.

I might look like a font of information, especially with my glasses on. I'm a smart girl. I read a lot. I've been here awhile and have picked up a few things along the way. I'm happy to tell you the things you should know.

Not 10 times in rapid succession.
Not for a straight 8 hours.
And I really have no interest in walking you through what you "might" do in a hypothetical situation. Don't make up questions just so I can answer them! I don't want to!

FURTHERMORE, do not ask me random questions about what you see on my computer screen! If it's something I want to discuss with you, trust me, I will.

And please don't ask what it's like to "keep plugging away" at an acting career. It's depressing. Thinking about it depresses me. In fact in order to keep at it, I need to block out how much like running headlong into walls it truly is. Don't remind me. Don't tell me about a scene you saw in the movie "A Star Is Born" where the lead girl tries to get a job only to be told she's got about a one in 10-million shot but she sticks her plucky little chin out and says something vapid like, "I'm going to be that one!" and then marches herself out of the studio and DON'T TELL ME THAT! I know that! I know how many people there are trying to do the same thing I am! I'm ignoring them. Thinking about them scares me and if there's one thing I don't need, it's fear. And while I'm not one for blind optimism, fear's not my thing either.

I'm not as angry as I sound right now. I'm just frustrated.

Question people...

Snap out of it!

It's no secret that I am, how do you say, susceptible to bad moods and negativity. If it's around me, it hits. If it hits, it sticks. I recognized the extent to which I do this about midway through last year and resolved to change. I keep resolving to change, but it's a work in progress. There are always going to be days when something pisses me off. And when something pisses me off, I want to tell someone about it to get it out of my system. And while that makes me feel better, I need to realize that this only perpetuates the negativity and passes my bad vibes to them, bringing them down. This isn't fair. I need to find a way to make myself feel better and purge myself of the negativity without spreading it to others.

However at the same time, if it's a person I spend a lot of time around, I feel compelled to tell them what happened during my day. It's what I do. I talk, a lot, and I have a tendency to pull conversation topics from things that happened to me in the very recent past. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are not.

So... what do I do?
Do I only talk about the good things that happen to me during the day? Because that sounds boring. And phony. At the same time, I don't want to drive people I care about away by having a bad attitude. Moreover, after having brought up the crappier points of my day, the realization that I am bringing others down completely depresses me.
I don't want to be that person.
I don't want to be that other person either.

Well, fuck, this has gotten more depressing than I intended. This was not my initial point at all. I got sidetracked. Bad Dana. My point was that I am trying to be more positive.

Now I was having a conversation with this woman I just met this morning who was brimming over, bursting to talk about this movie she saw (3 times yesterday, in fact) called "The Secret". I know very little about the film other than Greg watched it and seemed to have a similar response, and that Oprah is now promoting it. Ah, the bond between Oprah and Greg! (That's not fair, I can't make fun of him while he's in the desert.)

Anyhow, she was talking about how in order to get what you want, you have to "ask for it". By this, I took it to mean that you have to really want it, accept that it is what you want from your life. Which I can accept as a reason why I have yet to succeed at acting, seeing as I have trouble even admitting aloud that to be a successful actress is what I ultimately want. Therefore until I can admit that I want to act professionally, I won't.

So that's why I'm saying this:
I want to be an actress. A real one. I want to get paid for it and I want it to be my job. I don't want to have to work at a crappy office answering phones. I want to be an actress.

Take that, universe.

A man, a woman, a death wish.

What kind of moron says to a woman, any woman, "Have you gained weight?"
A man who hates his balls?

SERIOUSLY!

(Thanks, Leroy.)

Oh god, what have I done?

So you know that stretch of big fun I was talking about? It's panning out to be exhausting. After this weekend, I needed another weekend. Sunday night was not enough re-coop time (however Matt and I made some serious sweet and sour chicken). Then after dragging myself through the Monday workday, I went rollerskating with the gang for Greg's birthday. I was stoked. I was psyched. I was ready.

I was wrong.
Oh my god, I completely forgot how exhausting rollerskating is. And it doesn't really feel like it at the time (unless your knee starts hurting because the DJ won't freaking switch directions) but it will wear your ass down. Upon getting back to Matt's, I was down for good. Then I didn't sleep well because my stomach was acting up (stupid roller-rink corn dog!). So I was still exhausted. Then I burned up all my adrenaline going to an audition this morning, so now I'm super tired. And I have a show tonight. One I have to understudy for. And I have to go straight there after work.

I want a nap!
Was that an earthquake?
What a weird day...

The wheels of progress will eventually tape you to its spokes.

That is the lesson I have learned today.
After a good long time of resisting the "change over to new Google Blogger", I was held up and forced to convert. Dammit. I refused to change over when Yahoo Mail tried their beta thing, which ultimately didn't work out because it was slow as fuck (and not in a good way) and it went away. Apparently this is catching on and functioning because I have been strong-armed into change.

This better pan out.
Just a warning.

Oh man, I'm so bluffing. I couldn't be pissed off today if I tried. (This is not a challenge!) I had an okay morning, a totally pleasant lunch and the workday is scooting right along without leaving little poopy trails behind it. Then I have a show tonight, which is always fun. It's Friday. That's good too. Then I have 2 shows tomorrow which, while it won't be relaxing, will be a whole lot of fun. DK closes tomorrow... for now. Then I make my J&G debut as Rivkah when I understudy on Sunday, which I'm dreading less today than I did yesterday. I just might have my shit together. Oy vay. I'm planning to chill the hell out on Sunday night and get all my relaxation in before I start up again on Monday. Which will STILL be fun because Monday is the beginning of Greg's birthday celebrations! A-rollerskating we will go! Then Tuesday I have a special weekday show which should bring in a fun crowd. And then Wednesday is Valentine's Day... for what that's worth. I think the last time I got really excited about a Valentine's day was 6th grade because a friend was going to be having a party. Then I got the stomach flu and bronchitis at the same time. It's lowered my expectations ever since. But anyway... the point is that I have a big fat stretch of fun ahead of me and I am fucking psyched for it.

WHOO!

I've been so much more positive lately. Thank you, Tom Robbins.
NOT TONY ROBBINS, Tom Robbins.
Everybody should read his stuff. So fun.

On a side note, I just got a very random, very abrupt and very intense craving for Andes Mint Chocolates. Not just anything minty and chocolatey will do. I need the cool smoothness of Andes on my tongue. I need the firm yet creamy texture squishing between my teeth. I need... to think about something else. This fixation will only make me crazy.

Man, I'm thirsty.
Water bottle! Where are you?

Eat my sequins, Rachael Ray!

I forgot to mention this. I was so distracted by the end result of the Superbowl (ie. depression, nausea and the desire to see Rex Grossman's head on a stick), I forgot to bring up the wild success of the day: my chili. I don't know how, but it's already almost gone. Which is amazing because I had my crock pot filled literally to the brim.

I don't have the full recipe in front of me, but it was a 3-bean Chipotle Turkey Chili con Corn. And I've made some chilis before, but this is my finest formula. I'll put up the actual recipe once I get home. Maybe.

All my beautiful evil! Oh, what a world!

Maybe that's a bit melodramatic.
(Typical.)

The sequins are falling off of my fabulous shoes.
If you're unfamiliar, I have a pair of cute little ballet flat style shoes absolutely decked, nay, FESTOONED with sequins of all colors. After about a year or more of relentless wear, the sequins are falling off. Now I should be thrilled they stayed on as long as they have, especially considering that I am not exactly gentle on my garments. But they are detaching at an alarming rate and I don't quite know what to do about it aside from "wear them less". I've been finding sequin shrapnel around my apartment and the floor by my desk at work twinkles far more than it should.

I got the shoes from Target sometime last year (I think). I had been eyeing them for about a week and when I finally went back and got them, my roommate Adam asked what the hell I was going to wear them with.
"Everything," I grinned.
And so I have. And it's taking its toll. This isn't a premature eulogy but merely an expression of my dismay that my shoes are on the downswing.

*sigh*

If you're looking for something insightful, keep looking.

No revelations to be had here.
Not now anyway.
I have to pee too badly.

This is the crappy thing about my cubiclemate being sick. Usually if one of us has to use the restroom, we can cover for eachother. If I'm alone, I basically get my allotted breaks every few hours and that's it unless I feel like hollering over the walls and begging someone to cover the phones for me. Which I hate. I'd rather suffer for the next hour and risk the kidney failure. If it gets too bad, I'll give in. But not likely.

My throat and tongue are getting dry.
Can't drink water though.
D'ohhhhhh!

*sigh*

If I eat something salty, do you think the diuretic effects will reach my bladder? Or is it too late? Do I just have to suck it up and go to the bathroom?

Because it feels like quitting! It feels like giving in, like I can't control myself and now I need an additional bathroom break.

45 minutes. I can wait 45 minutes. I'm sitting. I have my legs crossed. I'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

*Update!*

I have 10 minutes left to go. Salty snacking proved effective as a distraction as did reading a couple of Joel Stein's articles on LAtimes.com. However, doing my job seems to do NOTHING to distract me. It takes no thought and/or concentration as I can do it while reading, eating or writing a whiny blog about my soon-to-rupture bladder.

I might die soon.
If I do... I'm sure I cared about you very deeply and I'm sure you'll miss me a lot.